you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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