Don't make out with my wife yet
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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