i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
