i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
