you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
