if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
