She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
