I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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