well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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