I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
