If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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