This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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