Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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