i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
