I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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