you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
