Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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