i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
