Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
