I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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