Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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