Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
