my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
