i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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