This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
