ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Shame is for Republicans.
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