i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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