apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
