Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
