paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
