I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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