i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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