I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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