Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
