I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
