so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
