he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
