Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm getting married
To pizza
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
