i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
