no, he came in my armpit
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize