Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
