he puts the penis in happiness.
my sisters under your porch take her home
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
