I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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