i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
