Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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