i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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