Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
