Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
