So drunk its hurt
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
