I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
