I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
please come you make the beer taste better
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
