do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
