My sheets look like a crime scene.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
