you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Come back. Shots need mouths.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
