Don't make out with my wife yet
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Sober January is a disaster.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
